I can't watch pbs sober anymore
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
