If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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