i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
