Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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