Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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