I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
