Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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