When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
