i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
