I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
try to milk me bitch
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
