She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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