just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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