if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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