The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
