im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
