Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
