Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
