naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
