I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
