Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
