This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
