Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
