Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
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