I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
