Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
