dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you didnt know i had herpes?
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
