I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
