She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
