worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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