Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
