I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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