My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
