Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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