the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
