I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
