My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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