Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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