I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Pooping to opera.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
