apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
