why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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