Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
