dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
They took my balls.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
