im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
