I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
