well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
