My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
