Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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