Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
