She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
