if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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