If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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