watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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