I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize