if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
