I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
