mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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