Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
