OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
